Happy New Year

I’m not going to bark on about what next year is going to bring.  Next year will be what I make it (barring all disasters), hopefully good and successful but I’ve learnt that making resolutions is just a duff theory.  Don’t get me wrong, I have plans but they are plans about my health and fitness, goals I suppose.  I don’t make resolutions anymore because I feel that tomorrow, 1st January 2018, is another day like no other.  I’m just grateful to wake up for another days life and try to live it the best I can.

I pressed the ENTER button on the Eton Dorney first timer triathlon last night.  That is madness for me.  I mentioned in my last post about doing a bit tri for my 50th and as I have 2 1/2 years to train for it, I thought I best get on with it.  So the bike (my son’s bike) will be coming out of the garage, the swimming lessons will get booked and the running will recommence as soon as I am recovered from the Boxing Day mishap!  The first timer tri is 200m open water swim, 5.3km bike and 2.5km run!!!!  Should be interesting. Whilst those distances aren’t terrific, with each brings it’s own issues.  I’m a shite swimmer (poor breast stroke is the limit), haven’t ridden a bike in god knows how long and the running bit if pretty fine although I’m not quick.  Ironically, Shock Absorber is a bra I think………ironic!!!!

I’m getting over my silly accident on Boxing Day where I decided it would be an awesome idea to fall down the stairs, top to bottom, and land on my head.  I didn’t break anything but caused a whole load of drama and worry and am now left battered and bruised and wishing I had taken more notice of where and what I was doing.  It’s not been the most fun week and I will be waking up tomorrow, again, counting my blessings it could have been much worse.  My worst injury is my foot where I have damaged ligaments and bruised the heck out of it, followed by my left elbow which how I didn’t break it, I have no idea.  I am on instruction of at least 2 weeks R&R as a head injury can take a while to get over.  Unbelievable and I never thought my anxiety over going up and down stairs could make me feel how I do.  Luckily Matty is still here and isn’t going back to uni until Friday.  Below are the pics I made James take because I thought I wouldn’t remember it and actually I needed to see them now to realise how much worse it could have been and how lucky I am (I will probably say that at least a million times).

The other amazing thing that has happened this week, is my magazine cover and feature hit the shelves this week.  I am on the February cover of Women’s Running Magazine.  I feel so humble and proud to have done this.  I am not the usual kind of bird you see on the cover of a magazine.  I’m also glad to see there was no photoshopping.  It is what it is, wobbly bits n all.  The article is written just as I said it, no editing there either.  I do love that about this magazine.  They do go for people who are who they say they are.  Jen the editor is lovely, she did a great job.  I have my photo in the mag about 4 times. How awesome.  I’m proper chuffed.

I am making a new year promise to myself.  To look after my wonderful body which has got me through so much and to work with it to achieve things I never thought I could.  I need to treat it with respect, nourish and care for it.

Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year and may 2018 be everything you want it to be.

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

It’s been a bit of a turbulent few weeks.  I’ve been worried about my health a lot lately.  This happens sometimes and when it does it’s horrible.

I’ve had some horrible rib pain on my right side and been worrying about it since June to be honest.  I had a chest x-ray in June which was fine and I kind of just learnt to live with it.  However, in the last few weeks I’ve been getting chronic indigestion too which sent me into orbit.  I had convinced myself that I couldn’t be this lucky and it must be something bad.  So off I trotted back to the doctors and I’ve had another chest x-ray and some blood tests on the 29th.  Honestly, I piss myself off so much with all of this.  I tend to keep it to myself because I just don’t think most people understand.  Plus the fact, I’m not a hypochondriac and don’t want to be thought of as one.

The doctor was lovely and had a good listen to my tummy and prodded it a lot and she said that it all felt good to her!!!!  Once I have had the blood tests, I’m sure they will come back okay and that will be the end of it. I also have medication for the indigestion to take for 8 weeks and then fingers crossed, all will be well and I can stop worrying.  There is nothing more stressful than the thought of your health declining.  I know so many men and women who are so unsure of their future right now and I feel so bloody grateful I have one.

 This is the truest thing I’ve ever read!!!!

I’ve put on about 2 stone since September.  My blog name is false at the moment, the running hasn’t been happening at all.   I’ve not properly run since the summer.  I’m not a great morning runner (I have tried and I felt dreadful for the rest of the day), and with life and my uni course it’s just not happened.  I know I my happiest when I’m running and feeling fit which doesn’t take long to do.  Boxing Day, I am going to do Day 1 Run 1 of C25K again.  I will have a goal (see below) and if I have something to work towards, I will do it!

I don’t want to make this a new year resolution blog because I don’t believe in them, I just break them.  So I’m setting a new goal for myself.  I am 50 in 2020 and my goal is to complete a triathlon at Eton Dorny in July 2020.  I’ve been wanting to do this for a few years but it’s normally over the boy’s birthday weekend so I’m hoping we can make a weekend of it and they will come and celebrate with me.  So I’m going to start my training in January with my Run Every Day in January for Mind and try my best with that one.  I’m raising money for Mind and if anyone feels like sponsoring me, go to my Just Giving Page my goal is to raise £250 so anything you can give would be appreciated.

I’m looking forward to getting my head around my running and eating healthily, for fitness rather than ‘dieting’.  I don’t do diets any more.  They don’t work so it’s going to be all about changing my behaviour around food and what I choose to have in the house.  That is most definitely my biggest downfall.  If it’s in the house, I will devour it.  Boxing Day will see me stripping out my cupboards and getting them tidy (they are a right mess at the moment) and preparing to start my healthy eating.  It’s weird because I sorted out my ‘tins’ cupboard the other day and it was full of chick peas, kidney beans, broad beans and all the other type of beans I absolute hate!!!!

Now there’s a question!!!!!

I’m hoping my blog will be moving away from cancer and focus more on my transformation from fat bird to triathlete!  A girl can dream and with a bit of determination I can make it happen.

 

Love Viv xxxxx

This blog is dedicated to a very special lady who passed away on Tuesday 19th December. Charlotte you were a very special person who brightened the lives of everyone who met you.  I’m sorry you had to leave us but the pain and suffering you had gone through knew no bounds.  You fought so bravely and with such dignity.  Lots of love always xxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

Magazine covers!!!

So yesterday was a surreal but amazing day.  I was in London shooting a cover for Women’s Running Magazine.  I was asked on the back of the Macmillan 50 miles in May that I did way back when in May 2016.  I was a bit amazed that I’d been asked in the first place and even more amazed at the whole being on a cover of a magazine thing.  Things like that don’t happen to people like me!!!

I got the 6.08am train to Waterloo and got the Jubilee Line to Canada Water tube station followed by the DLR to Surrey Quays.  Those who know me will know what a trauma getting the tube is for me,  so I was well happy that I’d done it alone and in rush hour.  Piece of cake really!!!  We were advised of a change of meeting place to do hair and make-up and ended up in the glamorous basement of the local Wetherspoons!!!  Haha!  It was an experience if nothing else and we did laugh but didn’t put anything on the floor……it was all a bit grubby!!! The gorgeous Charlie arrived and had her make up done too.  Charlie writes a blog The Runner Beans  and a more lovely lady you couldn’t meet.

The lovely Charlie aka The Runner Beans……..she’s lovely, have a look at her blog and website!

We then met our photographer Joe and went over to Surrey Docks to do the shoot.  Joe had us running along the quay saying ‘look like you’re happy’, ‘look like you’re enjoying it’, ‘look right a bit’ etc etc!!!!  He got some great shots and I have to say that I was very pleased with how they looked. He finally took some head shots and tried to get me to be serious!  Well that didn’t happen, I couldn’t do serious.  He said I looked like I wanted to kill him when I wasn’t smiling so we ditched that idea!  We went for happy and positive.

I looked around and felt so at ease in this part of London.  I was looking at a houseboat in the Quays and it was lovely.  I could live that life quite nicely.

↑     This boat was so cool and for sale.  Loved the houseboats!!!!

So once we had finished we all went back to the editors flat and got changed and said our goodbyes.  The afternoon shoot they were doing was with a paralympian lady who does the long jump.  She is on the cover of the April issue.

I had the best time although very tiring.  I have spent most of today wondering how the heck I ended up on one of the most surreal days I’ve ever had.  The team were fantastic and I can’t wait to see the whole article in print and which pictures they will use.

I’ve decided, after being inspired by lovely Charlie, to start a newly named blog and call it Southern Running Big Style.  It’s not going to be all about running but maybe a little bit of mental health and how running is helping me move on to the next stage of my life.  It’s so exciting and I thought the name…….Southern Running (living down south) and the Big Style (being a bigger lady!!!) would be a good name.  Let me know if you think it isn’t.  I would like to do more writing and I think it might a good way to document a road I would like to take ie being fitter and slimmer and maybe sending a bit of inspiration to those who feel like they can’t do it.  If I can do it, anyone can!!!!

So that’s the latest.  Watch this space, I’d like to get a website up and running.

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

 

 

Thinking about what may have been……..

I’ve been trying hard to get my shizzle together this week.  I’ve woken up today having the first pain free day, from the devil tooth, for over 3 months.  I’m so happy.  I feel like I’ve taken enough painkillers to sink a battle ship!!!!

After the experience of having my tooth out, getting an infection and being in a right state, I am so glad that I have put having reconstruction out of my mind.  I can’t do anything without putting stress on my body and I truly believe that if I’d gone through with it, I wouldn’t have survived.

I know that people probably think that now the decision has been made, I will stop thinking about it!  I don’t think I will ever stop thinking about it but I now feel that I can move on from the cancer side of it.  In January I will have my final check at the hospital which will be 5 years.  It’s exciting and terrifying in equal amounts but I reconcile this by thinking that at least I am going to be at the same risk of getting cancer again as anyone else.  I’m not completely sure about this because I suppose once you’ve had it, you could potentially have a secondary spread.  I don’t know but I’ll go with the first one!!!!  🙂  I suppose looking after myself to prevent anything happening to me is the sensible thing to do.

I’m going for the photo shoot on Tuesday and I’m very excited and nervous about it.  The article will appear in the February issue of Women’s Running Magazine.  It is about body confidence, I wonder if a magazine has ever had a woman with no boobs on it’s front cover?  Maybe I’ll be a first!!!  I’m not feeling too happy about how I look at the moment but having said that, I am learning to be proud of my body and treating it a little better than I have done in the past.  I’m taking baby steps I think!

I’m absolutely loving my degree modules this year too.  This week’s work has been about resilience after trauma and illness.  I felt I could identify with so much of it.  It’s all so relevant.  I was also proud of getting 82% in my first assignment of the year.  I absolutely love it.  It’s hard work and takes a bit of dedication but it’s all going to be so worth it.  I am understanding it and learning new stuff each week and it’s exciting. Last week was about post traumatic growth and this again, I found really interesting because I feel I have grown so much in the last few years.

I hope I can make some positive changes this morning even if they are small ones.  This week is going to be about that!

Have a great week everyone!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Diets be gone!!!

I’m trying so hard to take care of myself.  I’ve spent years and years and some more years looking at diets. I’ve done Rosemary Connolly, The G Plan, The F Plan, The Atkins, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, the list goes on.  Someone, (lovely Alison), suggested I look into the Beyond Chocolate community.  It’s changed my vision and the way I look at myself and my body.

Beyond Chocolate looks at the psychology of our relationship with food.  It breaks the taboos of what we have been taught for so many years.  It asks you to listen to your body and the signals to eat.  For so many years I have had it belted into me that you have 3 meals a day, a couple of snacks. Don’t eat this, don’t eat that etc etc!!!  BC encourages you to ditch all the old diet myths of low fat, high sugar and go for more tasty options.  It isn’t a diet plan so they say don’t count calories, don’t write a food diary and only eat when you are hungry.  I find it quite unnatural not to ‘worry’ what I’m eating but I feel so unburdened.  There is no points or free food, you can eat what you want.  I do need to be sensible and I’ve given myself a couple of weeks to have a blow out.  I’m ready to crack on with it now!

I do wish that I knew what I knew now, many years ago.  I calculated that I’ve spent nearly £10K on diets since I was about 18.  How ridiculous is that?  I am really excited about this new way of looking at my eating and listening to my body rather than thinking and been programmed what I have to do.  If I want cake, I can have it and if I’m not hungry I won’t eat.  So much re-education to be done.  Luckily not drinking helps a lot, but if I want a glass of wine, I’ll have one.

I’m starting to put myself first a bit more.  I’m cutting out the crap from my life.  If I don’t want to do something, I won’t do it.  I’m enjoying living each day to the fullest I can.  It’s important, you never know what is round the corner.  I make no apologies for doing what I want and need.

I am due to go to London on the 21st November for a photo shoot for Women’s Running Magazine.  That is so exciting.  They won an award last year for using plus sized women on their covers.  I’m looking forward to it so much, it’s really out of my comfort zone.  I don’t like being ‘out there’ but if I can give others a bit of encouragement and make them love their bodies a bit more, then that’s awesome.

I am starting again with my running again.  I’ve been so busy lately but I am making time out to do it.  It helps so much with my mental health and I’ve missed not getting out.  Another part of me looking after myself is the running.  I’m excited and looking forward to all that the next couple of months have to offer.  Bring it on!!!!!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

 

It’s all happening!!!

It’s been a funny time recently.  As I’ve said already (but to those who may not know), I’ve taken the massive decision not to have breast reconstruction. It’s taken me 5 1/2 years to come to this conclusion.  At my last appointment they told me to lose more weight.  I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I feel like I’ve wasted the last 2 years waiting for the phone to ring.  I was ringing the hospital every 6 weeks to see if they had an appointment and then being told to ring back in another 6 weeks.  It’s so so hard.  I couldn’t plan anything, felt like I was telling the boys to be prepared all the time, worrying about how the dog would react to me and not jump on me…..it was everything.  I was actually feeling quite depressed.  The final straw was seeing some pictures on facebook where a lady looked like she had been bitten like a shark across her tummy.  I just don’t feel I can do that to myself.  So decision made and I feel like I’m living again.  Happy days.

Off the back of that decision several exciting things have happened.  I am going to go to Salisbury Hospital, where I should have been having my surgery, to talk to women who are considering reconstruction.  I’m not going in being anti-reconstruction but I want to show that you can live without breasts and you can live a happy life and feel content with your body.  It’s an option women are not given at their initial diagnosis.  If I’d had that option to begin with, I wouldn’t have had half the problems I had!

I have also been asked to be on the cover of Women’s Running Magazine so I am going to London in November for a photo shoot and then doing my interview over the phone.  I am really looking forward to it and it’ll be something different.  The issue is all about body confidence so that makes it even better.  I hope I can talk about living without reconstruction and the advantages of not having to wear a sports bra when running!!!!  :

I went to see a lovely tattoo artist a couple of weeks ago.  I am having a tattoo across my chest to cover my scars.  I don’t know exactly what it’s going to be but the theme is a peacock so she is going to work around that.  I’m very very excited about this because it will give me something else to focus on other than the very obvious scars I see each morning.

With all of those exciting things happening I need to focus on me and my body a little more.  I am starting to look after myself for different reasons now.  When I’ve looked at my weight and how I view myself, in the past, it’s always been for reasons and goals that have been out of my control.  I’ve always been trying to do it for a goal.  Now I don’t have reasons to lose weight other than to look after myself.  This is exciting to me and I’m going to try a new tactic.  I’m ditching the scales.  My life has been governed by scales for most of my life and i’m not going to worry about the weight side any more.  The plan is to eat as cleanly as possible and do the exercise and in theory (haha) the weight should take care of itself.

I have my gym induction today and I’m hoping to ask them to show me free weights and how to work on my core and abs.  I’d really love to see some abs at some point, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them before!

I recently went on a lovely weekend to the Penny Brohn Centre in Bristol to meet up with my lovely friends from a group I am part of called Flat Friends.  We had the most amazing weekend full of fun and laughter and I met lovely ladies for the first time who I have been talking to in our facebook group and feel like I knew them all already!!!  We laughed and drank so much tea, it was just lovely.  The ladies really inspired me, they looked amazing slim and I felt that I could achieve this.  Talk about challenging body norms.  It was inspirational.  The picture is of us all on the Saturday night, they are such an amazing bunch! xxx

So, exciting times ahead.  Uni has started again for the winter so I need to get my learning brain in gear and then it’s all about looking after myself at the same time.  It’s so easy to forget how it’s important to do that.  That’s it for now.  I will post the exciting bits from November!!!!  Haha!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Finding the way!

Nearly the end of the summer!  I can’t believe how quickly it’s flown.  I was dreading work and how that was going to pan out but I’ve enjoyed actually being able to read things and work on my own personal development.  Anything I can learn has got to be good and anything I can use with the kids is never wasted.

I’m currently reading a book about ‘Mindful Compassion’.  I read about it in an article in something someone had shared in the world of mental health.  It’s really interesting and although I’m not 100% sure what it’s about and where the book is heading, it’s an interesting title and I’m always up for being educated!!!!  It’s based on Buddhism, in fact one of the guys who wrote it spent time as a monk but it’s not quite a ‘give every piece of yourself to others’ Buddhism.  On this alone, I was interested.  It’s quite a lot of how to look after yourself compassionately then you are able to do this for others!  I don’t know, I’ll write about it another time if it’s any good.

I have been trying to be gentle on myself and ever so slightly compassionate.  I booked a short break to Somerset for me and Matt as it’s his last weekend before going to uni. Having worked all through the summer, I was absolutely shattered and needed a bit of time out.  We stayed in the most peaceful cottage I’ve ever known.  Silence was so welcome.  We didn’t do much, visited a beautiful beach and a priory and not a lot else to be honest.  It was just the ticket after the shenanigans of the garden building this summer.  I did come straight home and demolish a bush/tree thing so the efforts of being kind and gentle on myself didn’t last long.

We have eaten all kinds of crap this weekend so tomorrow I will be back on track.  I’m feeling heaps better about my target of losing 3 stone by December.  I have managed 5lbs already but that may be lurking in the background after this weekend.  We weren’t too bad but suffice to say the cooker never got switched on!!!!  Back on it tomorrow, walking to school, good food and staying within my 1400 calories per day allowance.

I’m feeling much more positive but still the only thing that seems to get in the way is my lymphodema.  I hate hate hate it.  I hate having to wear the sleeves all the bloody time and I hate that having cut down said bush/tree, my arm is pulsating and bitching at me. I read something else about being able to transplant lymph nodes from other parts of your body to the affected region but that just blows my mind.  I’m not sure if I could cope with the risk of it not working and the disappointment that that would bring.  I’m going to the lymphodema clinic next week so I am going to ask after the transplanting surgery.  You never know.

I’m having a bad enough time coping with the ‘when the fuck am I going to have my Diep surgery’. I’m holding it together, I’m not discussing it with all and sundry because what’s the point.  I don’t think I would ever wish how I’ve felt this last few weeks on anyone.  It’s shite and there’s no other word for it.  However, I will pick myself up every single day and get on with it.  Tomorrow I will walk to work, eat well and tick another day off my countdown to the next appointment with the consultant.  I need to make progress now!!!

I think if someone said, you can have lymphodema surgery or new boobs, I’d take the lymph surgery any day of the week.  It is what it is and I’ve got some lovely things to look forward to in September/October so I will keep my focus.

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

 

 

Didn’t see that coming……

I thought a change of blog name would be appropriate at this time.  It isn’t all about living with my mastectomy or cancer anymore, it’s about striving for, what I feel is, my normality.  So yes, the boobs are coming……………..eventually.

I have been waiting for my reconstruction since May 2016.  I saw a great surgeon back then who said not to lose any more weight and I am on the waiting list and ready to go.  I have been ringing the hospital every 6 weeks to be told there is no date yet!  It’s soul destroying because once a decision is made, you just want to get on with it!  It was suggested that I see a different surgeon with a shorter waiting list and I was really really happy with this.

Yesterday I went to see the new surgeon but I was told that they now have a new directive. They decided in June this year that they wouldn’t operate on anyone with a BMI higher than 32.  That is not good.  Mine is much more than that.  I had a cry and a bit of a mini tantrum at the nurse.  The disappointment was horrendous, I actually said I wouldn’t bother then.  The surgeon came in and explained the reasons for this directive. He has operated on people who have a high BMI and the results aren’t always good.  He wants to get the best result, they are perfectionists, I get it.

I suppose I had had my own expectations which is ridiculous, how would I have known what they were going to say.  I spend every day telling people not to worry about things you can’t predict and I did just that!!!

So moving forward, I have a choice.  I can sink or swim.  Those who know me know that sinking is not an option so I will put my big girl pants on and get on with it!!!! I have worked out that I need to lose 2lbs a week and that will hit the goal by the end of December.  How am I going to do it?  I’ve joined back up to Everyone Active which gives me the choice of 3 centres around this area and I am going to get back to my Zumba class!  I used to love it, I’m crap at it, but I love it!!!!  I won’t claim to be a gym lover but I love an Aquafit class and I have been known to attend the odd Bodypump class (that never goes well, my coordination stinks).

I need to sit down and look at my fitness pal and work out my calories, shop for some good food, cut out the crap and I know how doable this is.

I will blog once a week to chart my progress for myself and anyone who chooses to read my rubbish!!!!

At this moment, I have a huge headache and feel so sick so I’m going to try and sleep for some of today and get myself back together.  Then I’m off………………………………..

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Thank you cancer!!!

One thing I can say to cancer is THANK YOU!!!!  Sounds weird?  I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently.  I used to be an anxious, planning to the nth degree, never want to do anything kind of person.  Move on 5 years and I’ve turned into quite the adventurer! This time 5 years ago, the boys and I conquered Ben Nevis.  Bit ironic really if I’d known the mountain I was going to have to climb physically and mentally.

I do feel I’m nearing the summit in my own journey but not without a few things that will try and pull me back down again.  Every ache and pain feels like a sign that cancer is going to come back and bite me on the arse and that is a daily battle to find my sensible side and stop being such a drama queen.  I can’t tell you how many times in the last 5 years I’ve planned my funeral.  Each person that dies, a friend I’ve connected with, through the internet mainly, makes me feel so lucky to still be here and have another year of cancer free life.  As each year goes by, this just seems to get harder.

However, despite all the psychological shite, cancer has given me an even greater gift. The gift of a group of special special people.  There are so many times that I wouldn’t change a thing.  Opportunity can knock from something life changing and horrendous.  I had the best weekend ever this weekend.  Long story short, I met a lovely man, JD, at the recent Shine Connect conference I went to.  I asked what he did for a living and he said “I’m a monk”!!!  Okay said the people at the lunch table and we chatted and exchanged numbers and email addresses and he invited us for a retreat day at his temple in Watford.  We went this weekend.  It was the most wonderfully uplifting day I think I’ve ever had.

JD, our lovely monk, made us so welcome.  There were another couple of very special people there too, Emily and Charlotte.  JD asked me if I could bring a friend of his up called Kenny.  We happily collected Kenny enroute and made our way up to  Bhaktivedanta Manor in Watford.  We had the most amazing day full of love and wonderful people.  We made new friends and met up with friends we’d met before.  We did some meditation in a room that was so full of positive energy, I was so emotional. I’ve never got so deep into meditation without falling asleep.  Haha!  The monks were lovely and answered all our questions and made us the most incredible food.  The weather was stunning and the grounds beautiful.

(L to R – Charlotte, Tracey, JD, Me and Emily)

Kenny, our new friend who came up in the car with Tracey and I.

It was fascinating to hear what the monks sacrifice to live their life for Krishna and after many years of seeing them in the high street where I live dancing around in their orange robes, I now realise they are not bonkers but it’s a religion like any other.  I love their principles and way of life (don’t worry I’m not going to run away and live as a monk…….although), such a giving and gentle way of life.  I am fascinated by it and I am so excited to visit the temple again in the near future.  It is awesome.

I even got to milk a cow, something off my bucket list!!!!!  “Feels like a flaccid penis” said one (to remain anonymous, you know who you are)!!!!  Just so funny!!!!  Hilarity at it’s finest as you can see eh Emily???

So as you see amongst the trials and tribulations of the aches and pains, we are all still here and I’m so thankful for that especially in light of the tragedies suffered by so many this last couple of weeks.  Not only Manchester and London but all the faraway places who are having their people blown up because some knobheads are brainwashed into thinking it’s the right thing to do.

Peace and love, that’s my new ending to these blogs, it’s all we need.

Viv xxxxx

Almost the year!!!

I haven’t written in such a long time.  I haven’t been able to, I’ve been in a weird place. I’ve been running between not loving myself and not being able to give out any love either.  It’s not a natural state for me to be in really.  I have always given my best to people and I have always prided myself on being the one to support and help.  I am spent, I am so tired.  If I say, not in a bad way, that doesn’t make sense.  Waiting for my surgery is like walking through mud.  Sounds ridiculous but it’s how I feel.  All I want to do is lock myself away and not speak to anyone!!!!

I feel like I spend the weeks and months going day to day wasting time on wishing my time away.  I hate that, especially as some people in my Flat Friends group have recently run out of time and the lovely Mandi from Darn Good Lemonade passed away recently. So that just makes me feel shit because I feel like I’m trying to rinse the best out of every day too, for them and for myself…..that in itself is exhausting.  Anxiety is running at full pelt and that’s exhausting too.

It’s going to be life changing for me, this surgery.  I am not excited about the surgery itself, in fact I’m terrified.  I am scared of going into hospital well and coming out sick. Not sick in the literal sense but I won’t feel well.  I am going to have a mountain of scars, scars that I don’t need to acquire, I will be in pain and I will run the risk of it going wrong.  I could potentially end up where I am now but if I don’t try I will never know.  I have spent hours and hours weighing up the pros and cons of this surgery………hours and hours.  I don’t want to be different anymore.  I don’t want to have to explain my appearance anymore.  I just want to be back to normal.  Once I’ve had this surgery, I’m not expecting to be ‘fixed’ but I will be able to place the ‘cancer’ stuff behind me and not feel like there is always a hurdle to jump and a mountain to climb.  ‘Normal’ life will be such a pleasure and something I will never take for granted.

I don’t like being part of the cancer world but I am grateful for it because I have met THE most wonderful people I could ever meet.  They are people who I will have as friends for life. Each has their own story, their own worries and fears and their own positivity even when things are utter crap.  They are inspirational…..to me they are so important to me. Some are literally fighting for their lives and I have so much respect for them.  I love you all, you are incredible.

So the message is, please bear with me, I’m doing the best I can at the moment.  Not being able to plan anything is horrible and after the conversation with the hospital a few weeks ago, I’m still no nearer getting a date.  I am due to ring them again in 3 weeks and I dread what I’m going to be told………..ring again in 6 weeks is all I’ve heard for the last 3 months.

I had a flare up of lymphedema a couple of weeks ago.  That is something that I will never be able to get rid of, but I need to look after it better and not steam clean patios on a weekend…….hmmm, not that I told my lovely nurse that that’s what I’d done.  She would actually kill me!!!!!

I am working on improving myself and getting fitter and healthier so my recovery shouldn’t be so tedious.  I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to feel being stuck at home again.  It’s all in a good cause.  I joined slimming world again last week because I can’t stop eating.  I need boundaries and I find SW the easiest to follow.  I have 21lbs to lose so if I refuse cake then don’t be offended.  I am trying to run still but I am finding walking to and from work is good time spent and about 5k each day so I am going to make an effort to do that whenever I don’t need the car.  I will keep doing Parkrun though because it’s good for me to get out and be a little bit sociable.

That’s where I am at at the moment.  As I say, please bear with me, I’m consumed with anticipation, terror, anxiety and just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  It’s not somewhere I feel I’ve been before.

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx